Goodbye blog

You never helped.

Rum is the only thing that can help.

I am officially a cold dark soul.

So it goes.

Goodbye blog

You never helped.

Rum is the only thing that can help.

I am officially a cold dark soul.

So it goes.

Tax day

One really tiring thing when you try to fit a lot into your schedule is making time for it. I have to leave Lancaster today an hour early from work, just to shoot down to h&r block and finish my taxes. I know it's the last day. My procrastination even comes into effect when people are offering me free money. Lol

I'm so tired. Still sick and depressed but keeping my head up high

Before bed

I knew. I knew from the minute she said We should watch it together. I knew there would be an emotional sweep to the story and she would get upset. Because she is fragile.

Tonight was a lovely little evening until It crashed into the rocky floor. Like the closest I would get to a dream about texting her. Go figure. Tomorrow is a new day to hurt.

Blah

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

I miss my best friend.

I want my life.

I want a good life.

I want to get out of this house. I want to do more with my weeks. No more sitting around most nights. I want to work hard to provide for myself. I want my woman by my side in life. I want to go to church on Sunday. I want to cook dinner every night. I want to take yearly trips to the beach that I save up for. I want to go out on the weekends. I want to play my music at clubs and bars. I want to paint beautiful pictures. I want to love her with all of my heart every day of my life. I want to go on adventures and find new and beautiful things. I want it all.

I have changed. Michael Ford is alive again. The hardest part is trying to enjoy it when there's such a hole in my heart.

Please be strong and see me for my beauty and for my redemption. It takes a strong person to overcome themselves. And I couldn't have done it without you. I miss you.

Wretch

I went to church this morning for the first time in years. I did it because I didn't feel that talking to god by myself allowed me enough insight and involvement that I desired.

Looking around, I saw people singing loudly and powerfully. I saw whole families praising god and I cried. Why did I ignore it for so long? My journey here was so misguided. I saw a man signing the lyrics and passages to a group of deaf worshippers.

I just felt right. I will go back. My children will go.

Psalms 120:2, "Deliver my soul, O LORD, from lying lips, and from a deceitful tongue."


Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.

The worst kind of emptiness

This feels like a man ripping open my stomach and pulling out my insides. I lay here in bed at 11:39pm and I feel so sick.

I got myself sick from being so stressed as upset the past few days. I'm a complete mess. If this experience doesn't cleanse and change a man then I don't know what would. Every emotion hurts in some way. And my body is always tired and aching.

I don't have a clue what is happening on the other side of this world. And not having a clue hurts. My body twitches to action every time I think of some little idea about the "right" things to do or say to prove im a good man. It's like I have the chance and my body just jolts like a nervous tick. I hate this feeling.

Tomorrow is important for me, yet I lay here with the phone on the dock at full volume. Waiting for wind chimes. They may never come. And I'll wake up feeling like a piece of trash that spent the night blowing in the wind through the streets. I pray and I pray. It helps me relax when my body aches too much I get shaky. Faith is all I have left. Faith and few steadfast people who believe in me but have extravagant lives of their own to attend to. Who knows how long my pain will be interesting enough to bear.

This is the lowest of lows for a man. The lowest stage of life. To live like this is to be in hell prematurely. I feel like I'm on some life support machine and every time im alone the machine stops working for a little while.

But peeking through it all is one beautiful thing. I did not tell one lie today. In fact I avoided several. I did not make up an excuse when Brandon asked me to come over tonight. I told him I wanted sleep for tomorrow. I also did not make up any excuses for anything I did. I returned zaks lighter instead of keeping it for myself. And every statement I made is backed up by action. I feel a light inside me from this fact. Today I was completely honest. And I discovered the secret.

The secret to honesty is wanting to be honest.

Plain and simple. You can't fake it.

Commute

Let me tell you how my day starts.

I wake up and think of her immediately as I come to consciousness.

When I look around the room I'm plagued of memories. I try to get out of there ASAP when I'm not sleeping.

I get in the shower, and a very recent memory of showering together blares into my mind. It was so beautiful because it showed acceptance of one another to stand there cleaning yourself naked in the daylight. So sweet when you stop and think about it.

I then put on clothes that have an individual memory attached to each one. May it be from a night out, to a cuddle night, each article has a past.

I go out to my car where my art box still sits on the passenger floor. And start my car. Driving it is rough enough without that beautiful girl next to me to put my arm on her leg.

I drive down to sals in dallastown and it feels familiar to me as the way to her house. Then turn toward cape horn instead. When I pass by Rita's I Rember a specific memory of her first time. Then continue to head up to east York.

This is one of the hardest parts of the journey. I pass by best buy. A building filled with the very first memories and Moments that made everything so special. I can't bring myself to look at the building or the sign. But I do anyway every time.

I get on rt.30 and everything is ok for several miles. This is the part where I try and gather myself.

Then eventually the exit to millersville university comes up and it catches me off guard each time. I speed up.

Then I get to the mall and am drowned in even a million more memories.

Each day is harder then the one before it.

Be great

Be honest mike. Let every word come out true today. Before god you stand and have made a deal. Don't twist the truth. Be great.

Introverted behavior

I feel dead. Tonight I feel utterly dead inside. I shook for a good hour and a half as each misspelled text came through. Why would God allow me to take on so much pain? I'm being literally crucified. By fire. This is the punishment and I know it.

I made a vow tonight, to tell the truth from here on out. I looked back and saw a lot of dishonesty. I want to grow into a much better person. And I am nearly complete. I have so much going for me but a void in my chest.

Who knows what those texts meant..

I have prayed more then slept today. I need to balance it out. God please be with me as I sleep. And keep me safe tomorrow and help me be honest with everything.

Can't sleep anymore

This morning all I want to do is die. I'm a complete mess and am losing my mind. I try to sleep whenever I can because for that time the pain goes away. Until this morning when I went outside in my dream and a Subaru pulled up.

I was supposed to be a better man in life by now. I was supposed to have my career already off the ground. I was supposed to have gone to therapy to sort myself out a long time ago. But I had no idea I was that screwed up.

I'll never make such a mistake again. I know because I know how bad I hurt. I just can't seem to want to stay a part of this world with the love of my life out there.

I'm so sad that I'm thinking this way. My heart feels like a rock. I just want to go back to sleep.

For now

I get it. This blog is my friend when I have none. Someone to talk to when I have no one to talk to. My way to communicate with myself.

I'm going private. For now.

"Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises! And then our children will form a family band! And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited!"

Cheating

Cheating is anything you would do differently or not at all if your loved one were there.

It's disgusting, it's wrong, and it makes people feel betrayed and like they mean nothing.

Never again will I keep a private composure. It matters. It really does.

Two hearts

You and I are good people with big hearts.

Mine had vines around it, yours had flames.

I put my arm out and said I could put them out for you.

And when I did, the thorn from the vine stabbed me and reminded me I had chains on me.

You smiled everyday and looked for a way to detangle the vines for me, you sat in the rain and tried to twist the knots in the right way.

You have been stabbed by the thorns. Your hands are all bloody and hurt.

But if you look up and at my heart again. There are no vines. Just light.

A little about the truth.

You know. I never wanted to lie about anything. I thought very much about why I lied to people in my past. And I think it is because I lacked courage. The courage to deal with the reactions of people when they faced the truth. I wasn't strong enough.

It goes back to when I was a child. I Remember cases where I would spill a drink in the kitchen, and my mom would walk in right after. She knew that I spilled it, and I knew she knew I spilled it. But I would look at her and say I didn't because I knew that I had not the courage to face her and say I did. From two things this emotion came, shame and fear.

Now looking at another lie pattern. There were times I did something I shouldn't have. And hated myself for it as a child, but couldnt come clean because I was afraid how that person would look at me if they knew what I did. I care immensely what people think and from knowing judgmental people in my life, I want to be perfect. But the fact is that nobody is.

As I grew up, I went through a "childhood". I felt insecure about my hair, my weight, my voice, my teeth, my interests, my family, my awkwardness, my clothes, my weight again and my teeth again. I hated not being one of the "cute guys" and not getting any attention. I kept close to few friends. I just felt ugly and unpopular.

Then in high school I felt a little better about myself, I had more friends but still lied to reinforce who I was. I made things up and added more to stories. Just to be liked. I told people stories I had heard from other people.

I lied for my ex girlfriends. I told my family false information about their unfaithfulness because I didn't want to hear how they felt. I had this thing in the back of my mind that if she could beat alcohol, she could beat her life. But the point is that in the end she told me she wanted that life. She told me she wanted to go be young and "party" and when I asked if that meant being with other guys, she cried and said yes. She lied to me a lot and that only made me keep lying. I had never had a genuine good time in my life where I can look back and smile on.

So I found myself trying to fill voids. I had never been a good enough looking guy to attract women. And I never had the confidence to go talk to them. So I grew up without confidence. Which is why I searched for answers online. I was a confused person who didn't know himself. Lost himself, and was just trying to figure out what was real.

I've made mistakes. Talked to people online, I've laughed about immature things. I've blown off my responsibilities. Growing up has been hard.

24 has been my "luck" number since a child. I have always seen those numbers stand out. They are everywhere to me. What if this is why I can finally see the past for what it is at the age of 24. I'm mature now. Yes I still looked at porn not too long ago. But I've outgrown it's level. It doesn't give me the satisfaction and feeling I get from love. Men have this assumption that sex doesn't mean much to them and they can just have it with no feeling. I disagree now. I really truthfully feel different. Women see the beauty of sex in love. And as I found out just a few weeks ago, the most sensual and fulfilling sex you could possibly have is hot and deep and looking directly into your lovers eyes the whole time. Seeing her look back at you. And loving her completely.

When you have had that experience, never thinking of porn again is easy. This is where I'm at. I want none of this life that I've been riding on anymore. I have my "growing up" story and just finished the book. It wasn't pretty, but I've learned lessons.

So now I try to be a good man. I try to help people even when it seems I can't. I try my best to slow down and talk truthfully and open. I have recently lied. This time it was to not hurt someone. Someone i cared about and knew was fragile. Thinking in my head about coming clean would only show and ending where she would be unstable and in danger. So the only weapon at my disposal was to reinforce what good id found to show that this "chance" wasn't a joke.

I've been clean for two months. I haven't been on the Internet for anything sexual related whatsoever and its all there in data. I have not been drinking. I have not talked to anyone abut anything I shouldn't. I have been living whole. The past had its arms around me and makes me look like a demon. But I'm not a demon. I have my life on track and have been faithful to the person I love in reality and inside my heart. But to this day I'm still unhappy with my teeth, and my weight, and my hair, and my face, my eyebrows, my scars, my clothes, my stomach, pretty much everything. So finding new ways to be honest and good is all I'm interested in, because I have to be strong, courageous, and true.

If I were 30 years old, this story would be dated and way in the past. I would tell it to a stranger and they could look at me and ask "well have you gotten your life together?" and id be able to show them. Right now, Its still fresh. So although I've left that world for a new more wonderful one, It's writing things down that show the separation.

Come on mike

Last week I was in the shower. I was on top of the world. Being a better person and having myself figured out felt good. I know what dark places I went recently. I thought about it up and down. I will never ever in a billion years behave that way again. That I am sure about.

But I was taking a shower and daydreaming about proposing. I had an idea to take her shopping at best buy were we met. We would just be doing normal shopping stuff to hide the idea behind it all. I'd take her outside andt tell her I wanted pictures of us on the front sidewalk where we first met: I'd have her take my phone and take a picture of me at the building. That would be the queue for the next part. Which would be everyone we know getting out of their cars in the parking lot and lining up behind her with lit candles, I would have cinema by benny benassi in the background playing.. And I would kiss her and get down on my knee. When she said yes, everyone would cheer and take pictures. It would have been special and amazing. I even got down on my knee in the shower to add the feeling I would get to my daydream.

This week I wake up and that daydream is a long lost memory. My past actions ruined my image. And regardless of how much I have put into making myself a better lover and friend, it is all for nothing.

I will never forget this pain I'm feeling right now. It's unbearable, and I'll always love her. Always.

There was a connection, I just didn't take care of myself so long that I lost control. Too late hurts. And I lost my best friend in the world. I miss you.

Behance

Going to get my tempstar check today. Then checking around for other jobs. I need to work. In the meantime I have been crushing it on the graphic design front. Gathered all my work from school and projects I've done since and set up an online portfolio.

www.behance.net/michaelford

I am working on getting myself positioned for greatness in my field and opening up doors for myself. I feel happy about all this positive change. I enjoy my days and look forward to utilizing my time.

( )

You know. A man has the opportunity to accomplish so many things in his life. We get so involved with getting ourselves attached to the track of life when we are young, that we barely realize what's happening around us.

I mean, so many things occur that you saw happening to other people when you were young. Money problems, sleep deprivation, heartache. It all seemed like something in the movies, and that life was going to work itself out. Some people still don't get it. You can only keep your head buried in the sand long enough before you wake up in the middle of a life that you had no real control of, but you are living.

You may not be where you want to be, you may not have the security you desire or the career started you planned on having. But those things are attainable with hard work and true human spirit. There are so many wonderful things in this world. Yes, so many exciting aspects of life that you have the opportunity to reach out and grab.

But please never forget there will always be sadness where happiness exists. We all will pass on one day. We will leave a group of family and friends grieving and missing us. We may have great downfalls when it comes to money or our jobs. Things that will rock the very foundation we built to stand on. I don't mean to sound macabre, but the point I am trying to make is that those things are part of life and are a certainty to every man.

But everything wonderful that I have mentioned, exists only as our guidelines and system for existing in this world. It's man-made to have a need for money. Sure we understand why but still the fact remains that it's something extra to the things we really require.

Something not artificial, that is worth utilizing every last breath we take, is love. Love is the most beautiful thing in the world. Some people know it, some think they know it. Some go their whole life's taking it for granted and wasting it. But sadly those people lost sight of much more then love, they lost themselves.

Being held by the woman you love, being looked at like the most important person on the earth. Having her smile and knowing you put that smile on her face. Hugging her tightly and smelling her lovely aroma that makes you feel safe inside. Love, and everything that comes with it is the single most important thing to have. What a beautiful feeling when you are by yourself and the person you cherish more then anyone else in the world comes running through your mind. You pause for a moment, and realize what you have. You long to see her and to feel that intense emotion flowing between you.

At my age love existed mostly in teaching itself to me. The trials of people I would grow to know and understand, but could feel no real love for. They taught me what was important to me, whether it be things that make me feel warm inside, or things that I know I cannot agree with. Giving myself almost completely away for a cause that was simply to fix someone else, proved to me many things. But most prominent is that I was not in love. Illusions, yes but not love. And the lesson I learned was to understand what true goodness was and to feel it before I put all my cards on the table and lose myself.

What a ride it has been. I nearly crashed and burned myself by chasing a mixed emotion that only hurt me. But that my friends, was the most important lesson about love I have ever learned.

Someone has my heart now. Someone worthy and trusted to take care of it. Someone who radiates all the passion and affection that I could ask for. At one simple cost, to give it back. And that, I will most certainly do, and do to the fullest. My heart is full again like a fresh sail and I'm off my feet with happiness. She took some shots in the battlefield and withstood some battering by my unconscious and twisted up heart. But she finalized the lesson I was learning by showing me something truly worth dying for, something worth pulling my head out of the sand. I will never ever forget the kindness and compassion this girl has shown a lonely soul like I used to be.

And now to resume my path. A new day has dawned and I stand here no longer with a broken city around me. But a recovering one. Things are happening because I make them happen. I'm too determined to fail anymore. And I am full to my hearts capacity, with pure, wonderful love.

Ahead on the road comes the part I unfortunately can't write about yet. But to me, seems like the most wonderful part. The first place together, the two lives becoming one, the marriage, the house together, the children, the family, the old age. Someone who shares that much of your life has got to be special and worthy of that. So the latest lesson I've taken from all this is that I have that someone, and she will need the exact same from me.

I have only just begun feeling something this pure, but already I know that this feeling is truly what life is about.

The Road to Joy

Meechspeek has been stale.

I have read what used to be here. I was younger, by two whole years to be exact. I had just turned 22. I was in the middle of it. That cloud that can only be described as a drunken depression. I drank because I could buy the booze and I bought the booze because it was hard to go to sleep each night. What, with an ex-girlfriend that slept around every weekend and not enough courage to say "Peace, bitch!". I had friends turn on me during the whole process because she "partied" with them more. That hurt because we were all kind of a group of friends before I was with her and as it turned out, even the close friends I had before I knew her, and had much greater ties with me turned their backs on me. Weeeeeellll that whole group ended up being heavy into alcohol and MDMA. Guess who jumped ship, this guy.

But thats two reasons, the cheating girl, the false friends, what else was there? Well I have been able to travel back in time in my mind and look. I also was in a stage where things were uneasy here at home. My parents and I fought and my living situation was unstable. I think another factor was how many people were flashing in and out of my life at such a high rate. I had a friend of 9 years who spent 6 of them in the army, coming home each leave and promising we'd hang out and live together once he got out. Well he came home around the time I turned 22 and we hung out for all of 6 months, then a girl lied to him and moved in with him not telling him the whole time she was married. Yeah.

Looking further, I started college when I was 18. Through this same series of events I mentioned above (girl, friends, home). I quickly lost focus of my studies and took my credits and left! I had failed the amazing career I aspired right before I graduated high school. That was to be a graphic artist. It was my talent. It was something I enjoyed. But even doing that was hard when the rest of your life was out of control.

So there is still a gap between then and the last Meechspeek. One day out of the blue I picked up my life, shortly after leaving school, and moved to Philadelphia. I chased a relationship I thought was ok. Remember the sleeping around and alcoholism hadn't come yet for her. So we moved and signed a lease. Many people have heard me tell this story, and maybe one day I shall elaborate it into a blog post. It would make a fine lesson for young, trigger happy teens who think the world is easy. The school there fucked us, and since the "recession" had just set in, businesses were literally scared to hire. Yet we had $600 each to pay a month! Thats $1800. We moved back at different times, and my buddy had to leave because he just could not pay.

Here is where it gets interesting. The $1800 rent still had to be payed. My ex payed her $600 from her grandparents' money. She had a job but made nowhere near enough. I however couldn't get hired. 150 resumes and millions of applications later I still had nothing. So with my buddy gone, and him being there initially being my bright idea, I had to fill that $1200 gap after she payed hers. My parents helped all they could amidst their frustration with my hasty decision. They understood I got shafted but still. So I had to start paying with my trust fund my father left me when he died. Long story short, I drained that fund and we moved out just in time before eviction.

When we got back, thats when all hell broke loose. She started going off, disappearing for weekends at a time with no contact with me at all. Her phone would be off, or just ignored. It was clear what she was up to, drugs, and men. This is the time the friends of mine all turned their backs, my army buddy suddenly went crazy and never spoke to me again. And I found myself back serving tables, out of school, and with not a drop of the money I was given by my father to get an education I only got half of.

So yeah, I developed a drinking problem. Now I will be clear, the problem was not physical, meaning alcoholism and the body's desire to be fed liquor. I went weeks without it and never even really wanted it. I just got in the pattern of self destruction. I got in the pattern of washing my nights away one after one. No, it was not at all the right decision. But my whole life crumbled before my eyes! I had no one at that time but this cheating girlfriend. No real friends, No real direction. Just this cheating, alcoholic (and I mean physically alcoholic this time) girlfriend. So yes, I think thats why I hung on to her. Familiarity maybe? I dont know.

I then got a better paying (I laugh now) job at Best Buy. This is an important crossroad. I dropped the friends I had. I was making more money. I still had the dumb girl in tow and still wasn't working on my career. I hadn't done design work since Philadelphia in fact. I was just getting by it seemed. I actually forgot about the career for a while and just worked with no direction at all. I spent all my time trying to convince this girl she was taking a bad road. One that would leave her in rehab, alone, or dead. She never listened and week after week I would hear or see something proving she wasn't faithful. But I held on because it was all that was left!

The crossroad effect came with the new crowd and friends I made at Best Buy. This was the first thing that actually helped a bit. I met Murray, Jordan, Childers, Schnur, Dylan, Fischetti, and others. I started hanging out with them, filling the void that my shitty friends left. I love these people because they were just there for me without even trying. Still though, I was a wreck. They merely just included me, but I had to change for myself.

It was on my 23rd Birthday morning that I awoke and found a conversation on her phone clearly saying she planned on meeting another guy that day! (also one of my old friends, we played music together). So I stormed in my room and did what I should have done years before. Woke her ass up, drove her home and never looked back. I was free. But the damage had been done and would remain.

So where are we now? Destructive relationship gone, old friends history. I spent the next month still in a depression, because of the events that had led up to this. I STILL wasn't close to being in school, had new friends but couldn't relate completely to them yet, and was just all around bummed I wasted my time on her.

Here's where I went wrong. I should have left her early and saved myself the mental torture of being torn up again and again when Id hear what she had done or done to herself. In fact one night close to the breakup, I got a call from her saying she was stuck on the side of the road on duke street. I figured she got stuck in the mud or something. We drove there and found the car 14 feet off the road in a ditch, completely totaled, and her standing there in the grass so shitface drunk, that she didn't even know what happened. I watched her digress and I watched myself put up with it. I should also have kept my career light on and worked to get a better job.

From this point on, we move to the last year of my life, and I'll keep this story short because it is the playing field that I am basing all my moves off of now. I can't go back and fix all that shit I already mentioned. I gnarled that to hell years ago. But the important thing to note is the damage that was done. Because listen, here's the most important part....

I had no idea how damaged I was. At all.

I met a girl. Totally organically, not from a group of friends. She was from the start the most caring, fun, loving person I had ever met. A real romantic who offered me love of all kinds. I maintained my good friends from Best Buy and some of those bloomed into really special friends. Right before the breakup, I had also met one of the most loyal guy friends I have ever known, Josh Moul. You would think my life was headed quickly for greatness!

But the literal shifting of my entire life that took place in only the 5 short years after high school, and tore my mind, body, and soul apart still remained and had a vengeance to take out on me. I began pushing people away. I would hear everyday how people would text me the night/day before and never get a response back. I would look on my phone and people had been trying to reach me for weeks without an answer. I had a lot of love for my girlfriend because one place that I could still hold love was my heart. I felt every bit of that relationship build up and was right there with emotions, but the problem was, I didn't show them.

I was a neglectful, lame, forgetful boyfriend. I was a neglectful, lone, forgetful friend. And I STILL wasn't in school or focusing on design at all. So many nights I would find myself at the bottom of my new and wonderful life wondering why I couldn't just "jump" back on board with it and get the old me back.

Well friends, If you have read this far, you are now caught up completely. I was unfortunately given a reason, a shock of electricity if you will, to my heart just roughly 20 days ago. A resurfacing of my inner person who can pull myself out of bad situations, and build up the good ones. This is the campaign I march on now. To get my life back!

The first things I did were easy. Pull my head up and look around at the destructive path I had left behind me. It was ugly and my heart hurt for how badly I had hurt myself and others.

Step number one: Realization. Knowing where Im at. Im 24 years old now. Living at home, working a shit job that I get payed poorly for. Some friends have remained, some left. And the girl I loved most and gave me more support to fix myself and love then any other human being, had been crushed so badly that she had to break away or risk going under herself. Knowing that THIS is my reality was step one.

Step number two: Redirect. I had to do the easy part and just pick up my wheels and aim them in the right direction. What did we know? Well the job wasn't cutting it. So I decided I wouldn't settle for anything that wouldn't meet and exceed my bill requirements, and desired rent requirements. Get a new job. Another thing was the little person inside me standing there saying " you left me man, Ive been waiting for you to come back and pick me up!" This was my passion for design and my career for god's sake! I grabbed him. The last immediate redirection was me coming to terms with my medical condition. I have ADD. Always have. I was on meds for 9 or so years and they worked great. Did well in grade school. I abruptly stopped them when I started college because I thought I grew out of it. No No No. So I got back on them.

Step Number Three: Respond. This is where im at as I sit here tonight.

Respond is the one where everything is pointed in the right direction, and the fires are going. I went to a temp agency after putting a few resumes out there and getting nothing but scams back. I plan to work hard at this temp agency until they can place me in a good spot with a company who will pay me well and will keep me for a while. Earning almost double what I make and getting full time hours will put me at a monthly level where I can move out and get a small apartment for myself, pay my bills, and still be able to save some money for the future.

Respond for my career is diving right in. I did that this week. I opened up Illustrator and just grabbed a tool and started going. I also went online and found about 10 sites that have everything from stock photos, design elements and tutorials, Networking, Freelance tips and procedures, basically everything reference wise I need to get started. After playing around a few days, I started getting that graphic eye again where everything I see gets picked apart. Like a brochure or a poster. I pull out the colors, fonts, direction, negative space, etc. And rearrange it. I used to do this and its only something you do when you are passionate about it. I'm back. Look for portfolio work very very soon.

Respond for my friends is just returning to the scene. Texting back, hanging out. Being a friend... really. I reconnected with Murray who shares so many interests career wise with me that we have been able to bounce ideas off one another. I reconnected with college friends as well and will be seeing them soon to talk about where they are in their careers. I started just being there. Being able to listen, being able to respond.

Then there are the other things. I have been steadily on my ADD meds for over two weeks and the effects are wonderful. I feel like there is gasoline in my engine again if that makes sense. Getting up and getting going is so much easier. Im also on Wellbutrin for my depression, though minor, it helps. The true depression medication is living well in my particular case. I reconnected with God, and ill be brief because I believe religion is private and practice my own form, It doesnt include the bible per se, but it does involve talking to God, so im doing that.

I also set up some therapy sessions. The point of them? To let go of all of the things you just read to someone who spent years learning and practicing how to make sense of all of them! To give me ideas as to how I let myself get there, and to enlighten me as to why I was feeling how I was. Im anticipating speaking with him, and believe me, getting that to happen soon is enough of a battle with the medical industry. But im on a mission so they better be ready. Haha.

There are a lot of other things that are just so plentiful and ive been working on them too. Being responsible with money, time, and sleep. Eating healthy, exercising, etc. And since I was never an extreme alcohol abuser, but It would distract me, Im not regularly buying alcohol during this period. Im keeping it extremely light and not losing any nights that could be progressive by being drunk and hanging out. Everyone needs to relax, and im sure ill take a night to relax soon, but my days are beginning to end about fixing things. Im building a house from the ground up, all over again.

So there you have it. That is what is new in my life. This blog was started to be full of insight and experience, but by a truly misguided and destroyed state of mind. I will be keeping this freshly updated with progress, work, thoughts, stories, everything! Im feeling stronger each day, and my head wont let me make mistakes anymore. Im happier inside and out. And before long, it will show. Ill be living on my own, have a good paying job locked down, Be abundantly building a portfolio to storm into the freelance market with, remaining close with friends, taking care of myself everyday, and maybe if im lucky, being able to change someone's opinion and adoration of me who I care for very much.

The next step is Recovery. And Im doing it for one reason. To gain my life back. I wanted to be so much further, but blew away those years. Yes, when I come out of this, I will be rich with lessons and be able to even help others with my experiences. But im in this to become the man I once saw myself becoming. To be proud of myself and support myself. And to give the world, the Michael Ford it deserves.

Expect to hear from me soon, like tomorrow soon.