A little about the truth.

You know. I never wanted to lie about anything. I thought very much about why I lied to people in my past. And I think it is because I lacked courage. The courage to deal with the reactions of people when they faced the truth. I wasn't strong enough.

It goes back to when I was a child. I Remember cases where I would spill a drink in the kitchen, and my mom would walk in right after. She knew that I spilled it, and I knew she knew I spilled it. But I would look at her and say I didn't because I knew that I had not the courage to face her and say I did. From two things this emotion came, shame and fear.

Now looking at another lie pattern. There were times I did something I shouldn't have. And hated myself for it as a child, but couldnt come clean because I was afraid how that person would look at me if they knew what I did. I care immensely what people think and from knowing judgmental people in my life, I want to be perfect. But the fact is that nobody is.

As I grew up, I went through a "childhood". I felt insecure about my hair, my weight, my voice, my teeth, my interests, my family, my awkwardness, my clothes, my weight again and my teeth again. I hated not being one of the "cute guys" and not getting any attention. I kept close to few friends. I just felt ugly and unpopular.

Then in high school I felt a little better about myself, I had more friends but still lied to reinforce who I was. I made things up and added more to stories. Just to be liked. I told people stories I had heard from other people.

I lied for my ex girlfriends. I told my family false information about their unfaithfulness because I didn't want to hear how they felt. I had this thing in the back of my mind that if she could beat alcohol, she could beat her life. But the point is that in the end she told me she wanted that life. She told me she wanted to go be young and "party" and when I asked if that meant being with other guys, she cried and said yes. She lied to me a lot and that only made me keep lying. I had never had a genuine good time in my life where I can look back and smile on.

So I found myself trying to fill voids. I had never been a good enough looking guy to attract women. And I never had the confidence to go talk to them. So I grew up without confidence. Which is why I searched for answers online. I was a confused person who didn't know himself. Lost himself, and was just trying to figure out what was real.

I've made mistakes. Talked to people online, I've laughed about immature things. I've blown off my responsibilities. Growing up has been hard.

24 has been my "luck" number since a child. I have always seen those numbers stand out. They are everywhere to me. What if this is why I can finally see the past for what it is at the age of 24. I'm mature now. Yes I still looked at porn not too long ago. But I've outgrown it's level. It doesn't give me the satisfaction and feeling I get from love. Men have this assumption that sex doesn't mean much to them and they can just have it with no feeling. I disagree now. I really truthfully feel different. Women see the beauty of sex in love. And as I found out just a few weeks ago, the most sensual and fulfilling sex you could possibly have is hot and deep and looking directly into your lovers eyes the whole time. Seeing her look back at you. And loving her completely.

When you have had that experience, never thinking of porn again is easy. This is where I'm at. I want none of this life that I've been riding on anymore. I have my "growing up" story and just finished the book. It wasn't pretty, but I've learned lessons.

So now I try to be a good man. I try to help people even when it seems I can't. I try my best to slow down and talk truthfully and open. I have recently lied. This time it was to not hurt someone. Someone i cared about and knew was fragile. Thinking in my head about coming clean would only show and ending where she would be unstable and in danger. So the only weapon at my disposal was to reinforce what good id found to show that this "chance" wasn't a joke.

I've been clean for two months. I haven't been on the Internet for anything sexual related whatsoever and its all there in data. I have not been drinking. I have not talked to anyone abut anything I shouldn't. I have been living whole. The past had its arms around me and makes me look like a demon. But I'm not a demon. I have my life on track and have been faithful to the person I love in reality and inside my heart. But to this day I'm still unhappy with my teeth, and my weight, and my hair, and my face, my eyebrows, my scars, my clothes, my stomach, pretty much everything. So finding new ways to be honest and good is all I'm interested in, because I have to be strong, courageous, and true.

If I were 30 years old, this story would be dated and way in the past. I would tell it to a stranger and they could look at me and ask "well have you gotten your life together?" and id be able to show them. Right now, Its still fresh. So although I've left that world for a new more wonderful one, It's writing things down that show the separation.