The worst kind of emptiness

This feels like a man ripping open my stomach and pulling out my insides. I lay here in bed at 11:39pm and I feel so sick.

I got myself sick from being so stressed as upset the past few days. I'm a complete mess. If this experience doesn't cleanse and change a man then I don't know what would. Every emotion hurts in some way. And my body is always tired and aching.

I don't have a clue what is happening on the other side of this world. And not having a clue hurts. My body twitches to action every time I think of some little idea about the "right" things to do or say to prove im a good man. It's like I have the chance and my body just jolts like a nervous tick. I hate this feeling.

Tomorrow is important for me, yet I lay here with the phone on the dock at full volume. Waiting for wind chimes. They may never come. And I'll wake up feeling like a piece of trash that spent the night blowing in the wind through the streets. I pray and I pray. It helps me relax when my body aches too much I get shaky. Faith is all I have left. Faith and few steadfast people who believe in me but have extravagant lives of their own to attend to. Who knows how long my pain will be interesting enough to bear.

This is the lowest of lows for a man. The lowest stage of life. To live like this is to be in hell prematurely. I feel like I'm on some life support machine and every time im alone the machine stops working for a little while.

But peeking through it all is one beautiful thing. I did not tell one lie today. In fact I avoided several. I did not make up an excuse when Brandon asked me to come over tonight. I told him I wanted sleep for tomorrow. I also did not make up any excuses for anything I did. I returned zaks lighter instead of keeping it for myself. And every statement I made is backed up by action. I feel a light inside me from this fact. Today I was completely honest. And I discovered the secret.

The secret to honesty is wanting to be honest.

Plain and simple. You can't fake it.