The Road to Joy

Meechspeek has been stale.

I have read what used to be here. I was younger, by two whole years to be exact. I had just turned 22. I was in the middle of it. That cloud that can only be described as a drunken depression. I drank because I could buy the booze and I bought the booze because it was hard to go to sleep each night. What, with an ex-girlfriend that slept around every weekend and not enough courage to say "Peace, bitch!". I had friends turn on me during the whole process because she "partied" with them more. That hurt because we were all kind of a group of friends before I was with her and as it turned out, even the close friends I had before I knew her, and had much greater ties with me turned their backs on me. Weeeeeellll that whole group ended up being heavy into alcohol and MDMA. Guess who jumped ship, this guy.

But thats two reasons, the cheating girl, the false friends, what else was there? Well I have been able to travel back in time in my mind and look. I also was in a stage where things were uneasy here at home. My parents and I fought and my living situation was unstable. I think another factor was how many people were flashing in and out of my life at such a high rate. I had a friend of 9 years who spent 6 of them in the army, coming home each leave and promising we'd hang out and live together once he got out. Well he came home around the time I turned 22 and we hung out for all of 6 months, then a girl lied to him and moved in with him not telling him the whole time she was married. Yeah.

Looking further, I started college when I was 18. Through this same series of events I mentioned above (girl, friends, home). I quickly lost focus of my studies and took my credits and left! I had failed the amazing career I aspired right before I graduated high school. That was to be a graphic artist. It was my talent. It was something I enjoyed. But even doing that was hard when the rest of your life was out of control.

So there is still a gap between then and the last Meechspeek. One day out of the blue I picked up my life, shortly after leaving school, and moved to Philadelphia. I chased a relationship I thought was ok. Remember the sleeping around and alcoholism hadn't come yet for her. So we moved and signed a lease. Many people have heard me tell this story, and maybe one day I shall elaborate it into a blog post. It would make a fine lesson for young, trigger happy teens who think the world is easy. The school there fucked us, and since the "recession" had just set in, businesses were literally scared to hire. Yet we had $600 each to pay a month! Thats $1800. We moved back at different times, and my buddy had to leave because he just could not pay.

Here is where it gets interesting. The $1800 rent still had to be payed. My ex payed her $600 from her grandparents' money. She had a job but made nowhere near enough. I however couldn't get hired. 150 resumes and millions of applications later I still had nothing. So with my buddy gone, and him being there initially being my bright idea, I had to fill that $1200 gap after she payed hers. My parents helped all they could amidst their frustration with my hasty decision. They understood I got shafted but still. So I had to start paying with my trust fund my father left me when he died. Long story short, I drained that fund and we moved out just in time before eviction.

When we got back, thats when all hell broke loose. She started going off, disappearing for weekends at a time with no contact with me at all. Her phone would be off, or just ignored. It was clear what she was up to, drugs, and men. This is the time the friends of mine all turned their backs, my army buddy suddenly went crazy and never spoke to me again. And I found myself back serving tables, out of school, and with not a drop of the money I was given by my father to get an education I only got half of.

So yeah, I developed a drinking problem. Now I will be clear, the problem was not physical, meaning alcoholism and the body's desire to be fed liquor. I went weeks without it and never even really wanted it. I just got in the pattern of self destruction. I got in the pattern of washing my nights away one after one. No, it was not at all the right decision. But my whole life crumbled before my eyes! I had no one at that time but this cheating girlfriend. No real friends, No real direction. Just this cheating, alcoholic (and I mean physically alcoholic this time) girlfriend. So yes, I think thats why I hung on to her. Familiarity maybe? I dont know.

I then got a better paying (I laugh now) job at Best Buy. This is an important crossroad. I dropped the friends I had. I was making more money. I still had the dumb girl in tow and still wasn't working on my career. I hadn't done design work since Philadelphia in fact. I was just getting by it seemed. I actually forgot about the career for a while and just worked with no direction at all. I spent all my time trying to convince this girl she was taking a bad road. One that would leave her in rehab, alone, or dead. She never listened and week after week I would hear or see something proving she wasn't faithful. But I held on because it was all that was left!

The crossroad effect came with the new crowd and friends I made at Best Buy. This was the first thing that actually helped a bit. I met Murray, Jordan, Childers, Schnur, Dylan, Fischetti, and others. I started hanging out with them, filling the void that my shitty friends left. I love these people because they were just there for me without even trying. Still though, I was a wreck. They merely just included me, but I had to change for myself.

It was on my 23rd Birthday morning that I awoke and found a conversation on her phone clearly saying she planned on meeting another guy that day! (also one of my old friends, we played music together). So I stormed in my room and did what I should have done years before. Woke her ass up, drove her home and never looked back. I was free. But the damage had been done and would remain.

So where are we now? Destructive relationship gone, old friends history. I spent the next month still in a depression, because of the events that had led up to this. I STILL wasn't close to being in school, had new friends but couldn't relate completely to them yet, and was just all around bummed I wasted my time on her.

Here's where I went wrong. I should have left her early and saved myself the mental torture of being torn up again and again when Id hear what she had done or done to herself. In fact one night close to the breakup, I got a call from her saying she was stuck on the side of the road on duke street. I figured she got stuck in the mud or something. We drove there and found the car 14 feet off the road in a ditch, completely totaled, and her standing there in the grass so shitface drunk, that she didn't even know what happened. I watched her digress and I watched myself put up with it. I should also have kept my career light on and worked to get a better job.

From this point on, we move to the last year of my life, and I'll keep this story short because it is the playing field that I am basing all my moves off of now. I can't go back and fix all that shit I already mentioned. I gnarled that to hell years ago. But the important thing to note is the damage that was done. Because listen, here's the most important part....

I had no idea how damaged I was. At all.

I met a girl. Totally organically, not from a group of friends. She was from the start the most caring, fun, loving person I had ever met. A real romantic who offered me love of all kinds. I maintained my good friends from Best Buy and some of those bloomed into really special friends. Right before the breakup, I had also met one of the most loyal guy friends I have ever known, Josh Moul. You would think my life was headed quickly for greatness!

But the literal shifting of my entire life that took place in only the 5 short years after high school, and tore my mind, body, and soul apart still remained and had a vengeance to take out on me. I began pushing people away. I would hear everyday how people would text me the night/day before and never get a response back. I would look on my phone and people had been trying to reach me for weeks without an answer. I had a lot of love for my girlfriend because one place that I could still hold love was my heart. I felt every bit of that relationship build up and was right there with emotions, but the problem was, I didn't show them.

I was a neglectful, lame, forgetful boyfriend. I was a neglectful, lone, forgetful friend. And I STILL wasn't in school or focusing on design at all. So many nights I would find myself at the bottom of my new and wonderful life wondering why I couldn't just "jump" back on board with it and get the old me back.

Well friends, If you have read this far, you are now caught up completely. I was unfortunately given a reason, a shock of electricity if you will, to my heart just roughly 20 days ago. A resurfacing of my inner person who can pull myself out of bad situations, and build up the good ones. This is the campaign I march on now. To get my life back!

The first things I did were easy. Pull my head up and look around at the destructive path I had left behind me. It was ugly and my heart hurt for how badly I had hurt myself and others.

Step number one: Realization. Knowing where Im at. Im 24 years old now. Living at home, working a shit job that I get payed poorly for. Some friends have remained, some left. And the girl I loved most and gave me more support to fix myself and love then any other human being, had been crushed so badly that she had to break away or risk going under herself. Knowing that THIS is my reality was step one.

Step number two: Redirect. I had to do the easy part and just pick up my wheels and aim them in the right direction. What did we know? Well the job wasn't cutting it. So I decided I wouldn't settle for anything that wouldn't meet and exceed my bill requirements, and desired rent requirements. Get a new job. Another thing was the little person inside me standing there saying " you left me man, Ive been waiting for you to come back and pick me up!" This was my passion for design and my career for god's sake! I grabbed him. The last immediate redirection was me coming to terms with my medical condition. I have ADD. Always have. I was on meds for 9 or so years and they worked great. Did well in grade school. I abruptly stopped them when I started college because I thought I grew out of it. No No No. So I got back on them.

Step Number Three: Respond. This is where im at as I sit here tonight.

Respond is the one where everything is pointed in the right direction, and the fires are going. I went to a temp agency after putting a few resumes out there and getting nothing but scams back. I plan to work hard at this temp agency until they can place me in a good spot with a company who will pay me well and will keep me for a while. Earning almost double what I make and getting full time hours will put me at a monthly level where I can move out and get a small apartment for myself, pay my bills, and still be able to save some money for the future.

Respond for my career is diving right in. I did that this week. I opened up Illustrator and just grabbed a tool and started going. I also went online and found about 10 sites that have everything from stock photos, design elements and tutorials, Networking, Freelance tips and procedures, basically everything reference wise I need to get started. After playing around a few days, I started getting that graphic eye again where everything I see gets picked apart. Like a brochure or a poster. I pull out the colors, fonts, direction, negative space, etc. And rearrange it. I used to do this and its only something you do when you are passionate about it. I'm back. Look for portfolio work very very soon.

Respond for my friends is just returning to the scene. Texting back, hanging out. Being a friend... really. I reconnected with Murray who shares so many interests career wise with me that we have been able to bounce ideas off one another. I reconnected with college friends as well and will be seeing them soon to talk about where they are in their careers. I started just being there. Being able to listen, being able to respond.

Then there are the other things. I have been steadily on my ADD meds for over two weeks and the effects are wonderful. I feel like there is gasoline in my engine again if that makes sense. Getting up and getting going is so much easier. Im also on Wellbutrin for my depression, though minor, it helps. The true depression medication is living well in my particular case. I reconnected with God, and ill be brief because I believe religion is private and practice my own form, It doesnt include the bible per se, but it does involve talking to God, so im doing that.

I also set up some therapy sessions. The point of them? To let go of all of the things you just read to someone who spent years learning and practicing how to make sense of all of them! To give me ideas as to how I let myself get there, and to enlighten me as to why I was feeling how I was. Im anticipating speaking with him, and believe me, getting that to happen soon is enough of a battle with the medical industry. But im on a mission so they better be ready. Haha.

There are a lot of other things that are just so plentiful and ive been working on them too. Being responsible with money, time, and sleep. Eating healthy, exercising, etc. And since I was never an extreme alcohol abuser, but It would distract me, Im not regularly buying alcohol during this period. Im keeping it extremely light and not losing any nights that could be progressive by being drunk and hanging out. Everyone needs to relax, and im sure ill take a night to relax soon, but my days are beginning to end about fixing things. Im building a house from the ground up, all over again.

So there you have it. That is what is new in my life. This blog was started to be full of insight and experience, but by a truly misguided and destroyed state of mind. I will be keeping this freshly updated with progress, work, thoughts, stories, everything! Im feeling stronger each day, and my head wont let me make mistakes anymore. Im happier inside and out. And before long, it will show. Ill be living on my own, have a good paying job locked down, Be abundantly building a portfolio to storm into the freelance market with, remaining close with friends, taking care of myself everyday, and maybe if im lucky, being able to change someone's opinion and adoration of me who I care for very much.

The next step is Recovery. And Im doing it for one reason. To gain my life back. I wanted to be so much further, but blew away those years. Yes, when I come out of this, I will be rich with lessons and be able to even help others with my experiences. But im in this to become the man I once saw myself becoming. To be proud of myself and support myself. And to give the world, the Michael Ford it deserves.

Expect to hear from me soon, like tomorrow soon.